I don't know if you guys ever receive emails from the Nigerian scammers who promise to give you millions if you help them.  I do sometimes, and I've been fucking around with one of them recently.  It's turning out pretty funny.  Here are the emails.  It's long as hell but it's good for a laugh...

First Email, Subject: I would like to know more about you

Dearest,
How is everything  over there in your country and the day, i believe you are  having a nice moment and that the atmosphere over there in your country is very nice today? (WTF?  Yes, Nancy, I'm having a nice moment, and the atmosphere is amazing, LOL).  Mine is a little bit warm over here in Dakar Senegal.
 
My name is Nancy am (24yrs) but age doesn't matter in a real relationship, so i am Comfortable with your age (Thank GOD, I was afraid it wouldn't work out, LOL), I am from Sudan in Africa, 5.6ft tall, chocolate in complexion, very attractive, single, (never married ) and presently i am residing here in Dakar as a result of the civil war that was fought  in my country some years ago. My hobbies are Tennis, Swimming, reading and homemaking
 
My late father Dr David Johnson was the managing director of  JD.INDUSTRIES (Ltd) in Khartoum (the capital city of Sudan, my country) before the rebels attacked our house one early morning and killed my mother and my father in cold blood.
 
It was only me that is alive now and I managed to make my way to a near by country SENEGAL where i am leaving now as a refugee under a Reverend father's care and i am using his computer to send these message to you.
 
I would like to know more about you.Your likes and dislikes, your hobbies and what you are doing presently. I will tell you more about myself in my next mail. Attached here is my picture.
Hoping to hear from you soonest
Yours forever (Mine forever?  Already?? Wow),
Kissssss
Nancy

My reply:

Hi Nancy,

  Wow you are pretty hot.  I am 28 years old from California, USA.  Very sorry to hear about your parents.  Very sad, but they sure had a very sexy daughter ;).  I work as a Financial Advisor in Los Angeles, CA.  Hope you can write back very soon. (Yes, this email is a complete lie, LOL).

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Her reply: Subject, My Darling here is all about me, I need your help please!

Dearest love
Good Morning I am more than happy in your reply to my mail.  How are you today and How was the day hope fine.? Life is a bit tough over here in Dakar Senegal.In this camp we are only allowed to go out from the camp only three times in a week.Its just like one staying in the prison and i hope by God's grace i will come out here soon.I don't have any relatives now whom I can go to as all my relatives ran away in the middle of the war.The only person I have now is Rev. Jude Mathew who is the pastor of (Christ  De Saviour Mission) here in the camp,he has been very nice to me since I came here but I am not living with him rather I live in the female's hostel  because the camp has two hostels one for men the other for women.
Please try to call by  2 GMT with The Pastor's Telephone number is: ( 00-221-777-218-530 or +221-777-218-530)   when you call,tell him that you want to speak with me,so that he will send for me in the hostel.Please call me today,I love to hear your voice.
As a refugee here,I don't have any right or privilege to anything be it money or whatever because it is against the law of  this country.I want to go back to my studies because i only attended  my first year before the tragic incident that led to the death  of my parents took place.
Please listen to this,I have my late father's statement of account and death certificate here with me which I will send to you later,because when he was alive he deposited some amount of money in a leading bank in Europe which he used my name as the next of kin,the amount is $3.7 Million U.S Dollars (Three Million Seven Hundred Thousand US Dollars) (Wow, a hot and rich girl.  How lucky am I??? LOL).
So I will like you to help me transfer this money to your account and from it you can send some money for me to get my traveling documents and air ticket to come over to meet with you. (When the fuck did we decide to meet, bitch LOL)  I kept this secret to people in the camp here the only person  that knows about it is the Reverend because he is like a father to me.So in the light of above i will like you to keep it to yourself and don't tell it to anyone for i am afraid of loosing my life and the money if people gets to know about it. (Hangs up the call I was making to Senegal to tell everyone I know there) My dear,I will like you to send me all the under-mentioned particulars (Sounds like she's asking for my boxers) ,for me to know you more,and know whom I am dealing with.
Below here is what I need from you so that I can Forward it  to the bank to start the processing of transfer  procedures with you as my representative :
(1) Full name
(2) country of residence & city
3) Phone Number
Remember,I am giving you all this information due to the trust I reposed in you.I love you because you are an honest and understanding person.You are truthful,full of vision and a hardworking person.Thanks for your sweet regards for me.You are a nice person,I love to meet you very soon.I will like you to call me,call around 2pm GMT.I want to hear your voice.
Have a nice day and think about me.
Awaiting to hear from you soonest.
Nancy

Please try to call by  2 GMT with The Pastor's Telephone number is: ( 00-221-777-218-530 or +221-777-218-530)   when you call,tell him that you want to speak with me,so that he will send for me in the hostel.Please call me today,I love to hear your voice.  Miss Nancy (if you're nasty)

My reply:

Hi Love,

 I was not able to give you a call today forgive me.  I had a pretty horrible day.  I went to get a phone card to call you and when I got home my house was robbed. At 2 GMT I tried to call you but realized that the robbers took my phone card as well (which amazingly was with me during the time of the robbery!). (Tried to make it obvious that I was fucking with her, but she didn't realize still).  I was  confused.  But anyway, thanks for your reply.  I will help you transfer the money if you want.  Then you can come here and we can meet.  It will be great.  You seem like a wonderful person, and I am definitely a wonderful man.  Thanks for giving me this opportunity to become a millionaire without doing any work whatsoever and pretty much having it handed to me like it's a dream (and as we both know a fake one) (LOL again, trying to make it obvious...).  I have a bank account at a leading bank in Europe as well, so if you give me your father's account information I will transfer the money to my account.

Her Reply: Subject, HONEY PLEASE HELP ME WRITE TO THE BANK TODAY!

Hello My Darling,

    How are you today and how about your health,which is the most important thing to me,hoping you are in a perfect health condition (She's so damn sweet) as for me my days are very hot and tiresome over here in this refugee camp but i believe that i will soon be out from here to start a better life with you over there in your country (This bitch moves way too fast).

Any well honey I am very much appreciated your effort and thanks for your love towards me; you are very nice man I know soon I will be with you. You have declared to assist me in this issue. It really shows me that you have a kind heart..I thank you once again and I will also like to see you face to face. Please my love I really do understand that a young girl of my kind could be an attraction if this fund is declared to the public.
 
And I have not told anyone about this money, except you and I will like you to keep it Secret to other people because since it is (MONEY) all eyes will be on it.So my love i thank you so much for your promise to me and i promise to love you all the days of my life (The Fuck?) OK so my love try and contact with the bank immediately ok.Do let me know of any development as soon as you contacted the bank, I really appreciate you coming into my life and when I give my love I do give it all.Bellow is the contact information of the bank and I will also attach bellow letter that you will send to the bank with my late father account details.
 

Honey Fill in your informations bellow, Copy And Send The Below Letter To The Bank OK

 ------------------------------------------------------
To:

The contact informations of the bank is as follows,

Caja cridit union Madrid Spain
Tel: + 34 634 177 676
Fax: +34 911 814 262
E-Mail:   ccr_unionbk@ozu.es
Contact Person: Spiff White (Director of operations) (Good ole Spiff White)

Account information’s
Name of Depositor: _________Dr David Johnson
Next of Kin: _______________Miss Nancy David
Account Number:___________SCBUK/782614/Q91/A.
Amount Deposited:__________US$ 3.7 Million Dollars.
 
My love this is the letter you will send to the bank with there email as soon as you receive my mail ok.

E-Mail:    ccr_unionbk@ozu.es

Sir,
    
     I would like to know the legal procedure of transferring this fund into My Bank account in my Country. And my Miss Nancy my partner is  in refugee camp Dakar Senegal which you are wear of. She will not be able to reach your bank.  That is why she have ask me to stand for her to receive this fund from your bank.So  sir I need the details on what to do to get the fund transferred into my bank account at the earliest time.
Your Full Name:______________________
Telephone Number:__________________
Contact Address:___________________
Nationality:________________________

Your urgent respond to my request will be highly appreciated.
Thanking You

I love how easy it is to request money from this "leading bank"  Apparently you type up a form in Microsoft Word, email it to them and you get your millions.

My reply:

Nancy me Dearest Sweet Love,

  I have an account at this exact bank.  I called them and they said there is no account by this name or account number.  Please look at it again and let me know if you have given me the correct number.  Thanks.

LOL still waiting on her reply to this one...will update the blog when I get it.