An autobiography of Penti4Life!!!!!!!

I was born a po' brown chile in Michigan, often seen doing somersaults and making paste.   As a child, I discovered the true molecular structures of countless organic substances, which have puzzled chemists for centuries, eradicating the use of resonance forms.  My mother once forgot to pick me up from daycare and so I hitch-hiked home at the tender age of 10 months.  My father died during childbirth. 

I have been vilified, ostracized, and all those other words that end in "ized" for my unwavering support of amphibian warfare.  Dogs trust me, cats envy my agility and goats come to me for end-of-life counselling.  I can survive in sub-zero temperatures and the Laws of Thermodynamics don't apply to me when I'm bathing.  If it weren't for Bill Gates' billions of dollars of philanthropy, I would have been Time Magazine's Person of the Year that one time.  I am the only human being that can fly without the assistance of a jetpack, aviation mechanics, or crystal meth.  I got a 45T on the MCAT but chose to be a cobbler because I like feet.  I sleep with both eyes open, standing on one leg holding a sword.

I once crawled 100 yards inch-by-inch over the course of 3 days in enemy territory in Afghanistan to snipe a 5 star infidel general with only my sense of humor as cover.  Alex Trebek asks me questions and Pat Sajak writes me letters.  I'm the 7th son of a 7th son and no man can kill me.  I beat Bobby Fischer at chess, checkers, Chinese checkers and Herzegovinian Yahtzee.  I once built a 4000 sq. ft church using nothing but 100% recycled cafeteria tables and bathed an entire of herd of African elephants.  I later stopped said herd of elephants from stampeding the parishioners of said church that same afternoon.  I was the one that translated the Bible into all those different languages.

I am John Titor, the Phantom of the Opera and the Banker from Deal or No Deal.  I can play the saxophone, clarinet and tuba at the same time without using my mouth, nose or any other orafices on my body.  I am neither Jedi nor Sith, but can find the droids you're looking for.  I fly like a butterfly and sting like a bee yet insecticides have no affect on me.  I help old ladies cross the street and old men collect their pension checks.  When I was insomnic, agnostic and dyslexic, I've stayed up all night wondering if there's a Dog.  I'm a Nobel Peace Prize winner, a PhD candidate and an sleeper agent  in Yemen.  Celebrities ask me for my autograph and children smile when they see me.  I was deemed so handsome by my professors and classmates alike, that they forced me to withdraw from University on basis of distraction.  With one look I can wilt a flower, curdle milk or make men cower.  And I'm only 28.